Alright now listen up, here’s the deal. Name’s Crunchy Malone, but you can call me Crunchtime, or Crunch for short. I come from a kingdom called Syrill, real fucked up place let me tell you. I guess it was supposed to have been some great kingdom way back in the day, but not so much anymore. It’s a real shithole is what it is. You got ya plague, you got ya famine, ya murder, and lootin’, all kindsa shit like that. Don’t ask me who’s in charge, ‘cuz I don’t have a fuckin’ clue. Great big clouds o’ green gas or noxious fumes or whatever the fuck it is up in the skies, can’t even see the sun no more. Farms don’t grow food no more, cities lyin’ in ruin, all kinds fuckin’ winds blowin’ all over the place. It’s fuckin’ abysmal, alright? Gotta be tough to survive in that kinda environment.
Which is where I come in. Now I know what you’re thinkin’, what the fuck is this guy? Just a fuckin’ goblin, he’s worthless, no good. How’s he tough? Well let me tell ya I ain’t like no other goblin you ever seen alright? I’m the fuckin’ best goblin you ever met, I guarantee it, a hundred percent. Now I mighta grown up in the great, barren Brookfields of Lynne, but I didn’t stick around there for very long after my mother got her face clawed off by a chimera. No sir, I headed out to make somethin’ of myself. Mighta worked some shady jobs for some shadier people, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do to survive, am I right? ‘Course I’m right.
I learned how to get around without bein’ seen, no problem. Pretty easy when you’re as small as I am, but that’s not to say I ain’t dexterous like a muthafucka either, ‘cuz I am. You need a guy to sneak around? I got it. You need someone to pick a lock? Boom, I’m the guy. You need someone to check for traps? I mean, I make no promises but I’ll try. Point is, I’ll get ya in to where ya need to go, no issue. I work great under pressure too, so no worries there. Why you think they call me Crunchtime?
Anyhoo, I made my name by sneakin’ into the most dangerous kindsa places and findin’ all kindsa great fuckin’ loot. The best shit ya ever seen, I’m tellin’ ya. Ain’t no better thief around, especially considerin’ my more, let’s say, special qualities. And I swear, that time in Habannen is not to be taken into consideration! That’s an outlier, no question about it. Not my fault the guys I was with fuckin’ gave us away and got themselves killed. Buncha noisy, no good bastards is what they were. I was so sure we were gonna find some ancient legendary treasures in those ruins we heard rumors about, but no, they had to go alert the fuckin’s derro right where we were. Ran all over the fuckin’ place tryin’ to get away. Don’t remember much after that. Just a big ol’ fuckin’ headache.